Trekkie Jokes You might be a Trekkie if
by startrekkienerdgirl
Summary: the title says it all! here's a bunch of laughs for my fellow trek friends :)


Trekkie Jokes

Doctor McCoy was walking along when he overheard in the corridor Uhura and Sulu talking…

Sulu: I've got a brother at the Starfleet Science Academy

Uhura: what's he studying?

Sulu: nothing their studying him

The Kzinti had captured a Medusan, but since Medusans are energy beings, they had trouble deciding how to eat him. The Kzinti captain had the last word and he said they should use lots of sugar because "Everyone knows a spoon full of sugar helps the Medusan go down"

Captain Kirk when first applying for Starfleet…

Recruiting officer: Where were you born?  
Kirk: Earth sir  
Recruiting officer: What part?  
Kirk: all of me sir

Did you hear about the Federation Weapons Expert?  
He never forgot a Phaser

Where does a Ten foot Muguto sleep?  
Anywhere it wants  
_

When the Melkotians beamed Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Chekov down to the recreation of the gunfight at O.K. Corral, none of the officers knew how to use the old style six-guns. You see they came from a time where no man had guns before…

Why was _STAR TREK _so successful?  
It had good Genes

Captain Kirk: since all of you Crewmembers preformed inefficiently today, they'll be no liberty once we make it to Star base seven

Voice: Give me liberty or give me death!

Captain Kirk: who said that?

Voice: Patrick Henry

McCoy: should we have a friendly game of cards?

Captain Kirk: no let's play poker

Kirk was chatting with a newly commissioned ensign when a crewmen approached and asked to speak to him…

Kirk: go ahead son  
Crewmen: its confidential sir I'd rather not say it in front of the Ensign

Kirk: well…Spell it then

After noticing medals on Balok's chest

Kirk: did you win those in combat?  
Balok: Oh no, I don't believe in military service  
Kirk: did you shrink from battle?  
Balok: *shrugs* no I've always been this size

When the Enterprise crew beamed down to the guardian of forever Doctor McCoy refused to go through:  
Doctor McCoy: You're all the same, in one era and out the other

Lieutenant Kyle: Dr. McCoy, I sleep all day, Stay awake all night. I'm hot all the time and can't stop dancing, and all I see is rings before my eyes! What's wrong with me?

Dr. McCoy: Sounds like Saturn Day Night fever

Dr. McCoy: I've borrowed Mr. Scott's bagpipes

Kirk: but you can't play them  
Dr. McCoy: While I've got them, neither can he

Dr. McCoy was impressed by the professional manner of the Enterprise's new psychiatrist Dr. Zhink. After a long shift, an amazed McCoy asked him "how can you stay so fresh and cool after eight hours of listening to such terrible problems?" Dr. Zhink shrugged "who listens?"

Dr. McCoy: do you serve crabs here?

Mess officer: we serve anybody sit down

Harry Mudd was arrested and charged with fraud for selling maps to the fountain of youth. When computer records where checked, it was discovered he had been arrested for the same offence in 1716, 1986, 2005, and Stardate 25.8

Harry Mudd was on trial again

Judge: Harry, you were accused of throwing your wife Stella out of a window this is a most serious crime

Harry: but your honor, be lenient you've met my wife  
Judge: yes and I don't blame you for what you did, but you don't understand she could've landed on somebody

Sarek and Amanda were dating

Amanda was patiently waiting

For signs of romance

Soft words, a slow dance

What she got was an efficiency rating

What does a Romulan frog use as camouflage?  
A croaking device

It seems the Klingons had a diabolical plan for capturing the Enterprise in silver paper…

Good thing it was foiled

Standard Klingon ethnic Jokes

What do they call a Klingon with half a brain? Gifted  
what do they call a Klingon with no brain? Normal  
what is the longest four years of a Klingon's life? Third Grade  
how do you get a one armed Klingon out of a tree? Wave to him  
why can't Klingon kids play in sandboxes? Cats keep trying to cover them up  
why did Klingons cross the road? To conquer the other side

Scotty and Sulu had been at the K-7 saloon for three hours when suddenly in walked a strange alien being. He was eight feet tall, weighed less than a hundred pounds, and had orange skin. Purple hair, and six yellow eyes. To top it off, he was wearing a red and blue striped suit. Scotty stared at him for a long while, and finally rose and staggering over to the being. "Pardon me for askin', friend, bu' wha' do ye look like when Ah'm sober?"

The next day, the bartender was just opening up the place when a pink elephant and rhino came strolling in. the bartender shook his head, "Sorry boys Scotty hasn't come in yet"

Dr. McCoy finished his examination of Scotty and shook his head. "Scotty, I can't find any reason for your stomach pains. Frankly I think it's due to drinking"

Scotty: in that case Leonard I'll come back when you're sober

Mr. Spock: what is the formula for PI?

Chekov: Err… Apple or blueberry sir?

Mr. Spock: A syzygy is three heavenly bodies lined up in a row. Give me an example.

Sulu: Mudd's women

A visiting admiral approached Chekov's station on the Enterprise. Thinking he would test the young officer, he asked.

Admiral: what would you do if the weapons specialist got their head blown off?

Chekov: Nothing sir

Admiral: why nothing?

Chekov: because I am the weapon specialist sir

What do you call it when two science officers have an argument?

Science friction

Sulu: I've just discovered Illia's twin sister is a red head  
Chekov: but I thought deltans don't have any hair  
Sulu: She doesn't, she just has a red head

Show me uhura reciting a verse at warp speed and I'll show you poetry in motion

Uhura: everyone on this ship thinks I'm crazy because I like pastrami on rye

McCoy: That doesn't mean you're crazy I like pastrami on rye

Uhura: great! You must come and see my collection

And let's not forget their mission… to boldly go where nomad has gone before

What does the Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus and wipe out Klingons

Why did the Borg go to prison?

Because he didn't obey the lore

Why did the Borg cross the road?

Because it assimilated the chicken

What did Spock find in Kirk's toilet?

The Captain's log

Have you heard the new Klingon army motto?

Join the Klingon army! Visit exotic planets, meet interesting people and kill them!

Where do the Borg eat fast food?

Their local Borger King

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three, the left ear, the right ear, and a final front ear

What is Scotty's biggest pet peeve?

When the crew replaces his dilithuim crystals with Folgers crystals

What do you call it when the strategic officer of DS9 is running as fast as he can?

Worf speed

Did you hear the crew of the Enterprise is getting married?

They have engaged the Borg

How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

151: 1 to screw in the light bulb and 150 to self-destruct the ship in disgrace

How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Approximately 1.0000000000000000000000000000

How many Borg does it take to screw in a light bulb?

All of them

How many Klingons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two one to screw in the light bulb! One to stab the other in the back and take the credit

How many Klingons does it take to screw in a light bulb?  
None Klingons aren't afraid of the dark

What do the Klingons do with the dead light bulb?

Execute it for failure  
what do Klingons do with the Klingon that screws in the light bulb?  
Execute him for cowardice

Have you read the book "Damn it Jim"  
it's by Ima Doctor and Nada bricklayer

What did one Borg say to another Borg right before their ship was destroyed in sector zero, zero one?  
Hoisted by our own Picard

Did you hear about the uniform making machine on the Enterprise?  
Make it sew number one

What did the first officer answer when Picard asked "why did you let Troi win at poker?"  
Because I Riker

What is Thomas Riker's dating philosophy?  
At first you don't succeed Troi, Troi again

What did Uhura say when the Enterprise's hull was being hit by asteroids?  
Captain we're being hailed

What are Eyeglasses called on Vulcan?  
Spocktacles

Here's the Enterprise Crew's answers for why the Chicken crossed the road…

Initial Question: Why did the Chicken Cross the road?

Captain Kirk: to boldly go where no chicken has gone before

Scotty: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly Ah canna work miracles captain

Dr. McCoy: Damnit Jim! I'm a doctor not a farmer!

Spock: obviously it was the logical thing to do

Mr. Data: why is a barnyard fowl crossing a though fare humorous?

Mr. Worf: for the honor of all Chickens!

Troi: I knew it was going to happen I could sense it

Computer: insufficient information

You might be a Trekkie if…

v Your fantasy includes Lt. Uhura sitting on the edge of your bed saying "Hailing frequencies open…"

v You ever got into a fist fight over whose better… Captain Kirk or Captain Picard

v Think that Captain Janeway is sexier than Princess Leia

v You find your screensaver says "resistance is futile you will be assimilated"

v You find yourself in a jam and say "Scotty beam me up!"

v You believe Ross Perot owns a copy of "Ferengi rules of acquisition"

v You believe Ross Perot is actually a Ferengi

v A normal person says good morning and you say "Ka Plah!"

v You know the proper Vulcan greeting and response

v Your girlfriend says "it's either me or Star Trek" and you say "Goodbye"

v You think Hillary Clinton would look good in Lt. Uhura's uniform

v You wrote James T. Kirk for president and Pavel Chekov as running mate

v You walk into the kitchen and you look for a replicator

v You think Emperor Kahless will return before Jesus

v You can actually tell the difference between a Vulcan and a Romulan

v You can name all the people who have ever been the captain of the Enterprise

v You learned to pick up women by watching Captain Kirk

v You hear someone say "here's an Enterprising young man" and you look for his communicator

v You get into your car and say "Engage!"

v You believe George Lucas is the Anti-Christ

v You know over 100 ways to say "He's dead Jim"

v You can do the Vulcan greeting

v Your vista cruiser is armed with Phasers

v You ask your boyfriend if he's fully functional

v When you get stuck in traffic you yell out "Where's Scotty when I need him?"

v You answer your flip phone, "Kirk here"

v You go over to your microwave and bark "Tea Earl Grey very hot!"

v Your bookcase has more than one shelf reserved for Trek books

v You bring Klingon dishes to potlucks

v When reciting the alphabet for younger relatives you grit your teeth when you get to Q

v You sing Klingon opera while showering

v You have ever considered getting Chakotay's tattoo

v You can curse in Bajorian, Klingon, and Vulcan

v You've owned a Bajorian earring

v Whenever you go into your principals/bosses office you say "today is a good day to die"

v You Bajorian nose ridges, Vulcan ears, or Andorian antennae attractive

v Your dog's name is Picard

v You've rooted for Picard and Crusher to hook up and or McCoy and Chapel

v You know how tribbles procreate

v You understand IDIC

v You're not completely dressed unless you have a communicator pin on

v You think blue is normal for alcoholic beverages

v You know how to play 3-D chess

v You are now the champion at 3-D chess

v You know what a Vedek is

v You personalize your motorcycle with groovy Klingon pictures

v You've recorded every single episode and have every Star Trek movie

v Your father kind of resembles a Klingon

v Someone follows you and you think they're a Romulan

v You have your garage remote set to stun

v You can name alphabetically all the women Kirk seduced

v You can recite Data's ode to Spot by memory alone

v You go into Starbucks and order a Raktajino

v You know the difference between Warp, Transwarp, and Slipstream drives

v You can name every bridge crew member in the original series by rank and name

v You can tell the episode by the first two seconds of the opening shot including the full title

v You've ever looked at your boss and said "Damn it Jim I'm a…"

v You have a substantial collection of the 1970's original series action figures by Meco

v You know every vessel named Enterprise and can name their captains in order

v You produced a mock episode with a full detail model of the U.S.S Enterprise

v You dream daily on how to kill your most hatred character

v Females throwing heavy objects and roaring is a serious turn on for you

v You make constant remarks on how your cats aren't as cool as Tribbles

v You clog your ventilation system and claim Tribbles have invaded

v You think the only good ears are pointy ones

v You see a hairball and screech "TRIBBLE! KILL!" and stab it with a knife

v You visit someone and all you can think to say is "Nice Tea, Nice House"

v You get in an elevator and say what floor you want

v You insist on calling your doctor Bones

v You've studied the language similarities between elfish and Klingon

v You've renamed your furbies tribbles

v You wear a shirt on occasion that says "I grok Spock"

v Your first aid kit includes a Tri-corder

v Your blow up doll looks like Riker

v Your bumper sticker reads "Human by birth, Klingon by choice" or "Don't laugh my other vehicle is a Klingon bird of prey"

v You pattern your wedding around Keiko and O'Brian's

v You never use contractions

v You wish your mom was more like Troi's mom

v Your computer assimilated you

v You respond to every problem by saying "raise the shields"

v There's a town nearby named Enterprise

v You have vaporized cars with your keychain Phaser

v You've figured out the Stardate system

v You understand Klingon

v You flip open your cellphone and expect to hear it Chirp

v You have more than one pair of Spock ears in the Junk drawer

v When shopping for ambient sound machines, you search for models containing white noise labeled 'warp core'

v You find yourself saying "make it so" in a normal conversation

v You've actually considered buying that $300 Enterprise model from Franklin mint

v You have the inexplicable urge to pull off the legs of your hamster and make a tribble

v You own a Starfleet manual and can recite from memory the top Warp speed, inertial damper tolerances, and standard weaponry of every class of starship

v You're afraid to wear a red shirt

v You've showed up to jury duty wearing a Star Trek uniform

v You consider foam, spirit gum, and chain mail a business expense

v You own a summer home is Roswell

v Your kid owns less toys then you do

v You ever mugged someone for their magic cards

v If you've ever had a serious argument about the Prime directive

v If you think that "Computer, halt turbolift" is an appropriate prelude to a romantic encounter

v If you ever lost your temper and swore at someone in Klingon

v If you've ever wondered if someone's clothes got stuck in a pattern buffer

v You can explain the conditions of the organian treaty

v If you know lieutenant Uhura's first name

v If you know the origin of the Terms 'Jefferies tube'

v You cared when Kate Mulgrew cut her hair

v If you think the most romantic thing you've ever heard is the legend of the warrior

v If you fully understand the effects of synthehol

v If you know the brand of saddle used by Jean Luc Picard

v If you've ever gone out in public wearing a Starfleet uniform

v If you cared about what color Starfleet undergarments might be

v If you've ever signed a correspondence with "Live Long and Prosper"

v You've ever felt compelled to shout a Stardate at the television

v If you ever called rick berman a blasphemer

v When you see a shooting star you can swear it was an exploding Borg cube

v You and your friends have ever had the discussion on what's correct 'Trekkie or Trekker'

v You actually saw the movie Trekkie's in the theatre

v You've ever built a life size version of Captain Pike's wheel chair

v Nurse Chapel, Emory Dax, Deanna Troi, or Beverly Crusher are your dream women

v You can name all the crew of the Original series

v You know every different class of Starship

v You've had more sighting of Gene Roddenberry than Enquirer has had of Elvis

v You've ever worn a pair of Vulcan ears

v You know yeoman rand's cabin number

v You can name all 79 Original series episodes in order

v Mr. Spock beamed down into your backyard last night and talked to you

v You named your first child Leonard William Deforest

v You named your first child Tiberious

v You breed Tribbles

v You have a matter/antimatter converter in your bathroom

v Deanna Troi can feel your pain

v You sing along with William Shatner's record album

v you shave your head to look like Picard

v you want to have Worf's baby

v you talk like William Shatner on purpose

v you own a copy of every uniform shown on TV and in the movies and you spend your weekend helping his friend decorate their van like a shuttle craft instead of going on a date with the homecoming queen

v you scare your little sibling by acting like a gorn

v you have a shrine of Gene Roddenberry in your spare room

v your dream date is with an original series Character

v you can trace your gene ology back to surak

v you redecorate your room to look like the Bridge of the Enterprise

v you make annual pilgrimages to the paramount lot

v you've actually seen Star Trek: The Motion Picture 100 times

v you can quote all articles of the federation

v you know every word of Star Trek IV by heart

v your idea of a great evening is spouting Trek Trivia for six hours with your friends

v when you get sick or hurt you want Beverly crusher or Leonard McCoy to take care of you

v you use stardates on all of your correspondence

v you name your cat Spot or Isis and feed it feline Formula #29

v you call your psychic friends to talk to Mr. Spock

v you know the difference between 'Live Long and Prosper' an 'Nanu, Nanu'

v you save up your money to send your kids to Starfleet Academy

v You stand in line for 13hrs. to get Gene Roddenberry's autograph

v You ask your broken computer to run a self-diagnostic

v You talk to your computer 'Hello Computer'


End file.
